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Not all are good Moms

So many are abandoned or treated abusely by their moms. It is a concept hard to understand and leaves one with a sense of whats wrong with me?

There is nothing wrong with you! It is about them. Look at a photo of yourself as that baby or child. Is there anything to make someone not love you? NO.

One of the challenges of recovering from a childhood where needs were not met, your parent left or was abusive is understanding this concept that it was never about you. One internalizes what your mom said or did as truth and it is not.

Every situation is unique, of course, but there are generalizations we can make. These unconscious assumptions we gleen from our childhood and how others may see us are attachment issues. These will define how it is we perceive others in relationship with ourselves.

Most often it is 'I am not loveable. ' Why? Because it is humankinds belief that ALL mothers MUST love their young. Even if you are now a mother and love your children unconditionally that makes it even harder to accept or understand.

You are not to blame for the treatment you recieved by your mother. As you searche the scripts that were told to you: you were 'difficul't or a 'bad' child; you perpetuates that myth that ALL mothers love their children. Or are capable of loving their children in a manner that is needed for positive healthy growth.

If only you can understand your own flaws then you think if you fix these you can receive that love from the mother. Wrong! It also sets you up to believe your own charachter is fixed and that no one else will ever be able to love you. That keeps the unloved child in you alive and well.

There are no set in stone answers about a mother's love. Some may be doing the very best they can while in an addicted state or in an abusive relationship. Others may have their own mother wound that has not been healed. Some researchers point to brain abnormalities as a cause. What ever the reason is it is not you.

I remember growing up on our farm and having Black Angus cows. If you know a thing or two about cows, Black Angus are not the best mothers. Every so often we would have a calf my dad would have to pen in with their mother in a stall where the cow could not turn and attack her calf. He would try to hold the calf close to suck and the mom would fight, stamp and be so difficult. There were times it worked and they gradually came to accept the calf but there were also times that the cow did not and we would have a bottle calf. Now, as a kid, I loved this! It was fun to have a bottle callf. They loved you unconditionally -ok well maybe it was the bottle at first-but even after weaning they would come up to me easily for love and cuddles.

I remembering also being so sad and tearful in asking my dad why the cow didn't love their calf. His answer was always the same. "Some cows are just not able to be good mothers." I did not understand that because I was fortunate to have a very loving and emotional available mother myself.

As a therapist I see it in many clients. Their mother just was not able to be a good mother.

The healing is to not accept that you were flawed and thats was your mothers reason. It had nothing to do with you! It was always all about them. Oftens times I pull out a baby photo or a small shoe I keep in my office to illustrate there is nothing a baby or child can do to be unloveable. I encourage clients to view their own photos and come to understand they were loveable and still are loveable.

You can love yourself and others can love you even if your mother did not.

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